Struggle.

Defining myself in the struggling matter.
Not gonna be alive soon.

Find me in your memory.

End of an era.

People are complicated. Weird in their own way. Hard to please, hard to understand. One day, they said they love you with all their heart, another day they hate you almost for no reason. One time, they said they can't live without you. Another day come by, they can run into you like nothing ever happened before.

For me, it's almost like surreal. Impossible to just walk away from the people I once said I love with all my heart, and some more. I always fall in love, but when I really fell, hard, it's almost impossible to forget him. Like I did, with you.

I don't really know what's going on with us. Everything's fine. From the beginning of our friendship, until you proposed me as your girlfriend. We're good. It's just us against the world. Until one day, you make your distance. You slowly distance yourself from me. From texts a day until it is just a text per day. And on the climax, it was no text at all. That's when I ask about us, about our status, And you made those decision. We'll take a short break.

I didn't know what's going on. I didn't know what's my fault. Along these days, I mourn, I shut myself from everyone. I push everyone away because I was hoping that you'll come back to me, someday. That you said it was over, You're done taking your time, your space and we'll be like usual, like before. I'm in despair all these time because I was waiting for you. I'm waiting for your call, your text. Text that saying you miss me too. You want me to be your baby girl. One and only. But it was never came.

And today, after 166 days of waiting, I got the answer. I still don't know what's my fault till today. What I know is, you're a heartless human being who don't have a gut to tell another living person, another human being with feelings, what you really feel. And in the end, you blame another people for your stupid reason.

I really don't know what's holding me from moving on until I send those texts. And when I got the answer, I have no regret at all. At least I know who you really are. I'm waiting and waiting for nothing. I know that you won't come back to me but the hope is high. Because I am really in love with you. But now, after six months of waiting, there's nothing for me to wait for you. In fact, I think it's good for me to not waiting at all.

Knowing you, loving you was a privilege for me. Not in a second I'm regretting the moment we were together. It's just sad that the truth moment is more hurt than I've ever imagine. Yeah, I know that you won't read any piece of this but it was a relieve when I can wrote here.

C'est la vie. All in all, I wish you have a nice life ahead. Thank you for having me before.

Pain.

Why is it so pain even just to think about you? And talking about you made me suffer. Why are you doing this to me?

Please come back. I'm so suffocated without you. Please :(

Hanging on.

74 days. And I'm hanging on. Still.

Everything about you aching me inside. I can't even forget it but to remember it, it shattered my heart into pieces. Everything that I look, I do, will remind me about you.

The books you gave to me.
The song that I listened to.
The picture of us together.
The memories that we used to have.
The dreams that I'm sure right now will never come true.

I don't know how to breathe properly. I don't even read the books anymore. At least not now. Because touching the book itself reminds me a lot. Of you. So I arrange the book in a nice manner for me to look at it every single day and give me courage to read back, one fine day.

I want to let you go. But I don't know how to. You keep yourself in me so much. I don't want to let you go. I know I have to. I'm not ready. I love you, still. So much.

And the question remains the same;
Why are you leaving me without words, at the first place? Leave me hanging? You know how much I love you, bibi. Why? :(

Move on.

I don't know how to move on. From you.
Please tell me the ways to move on.
I want to move on.

Or should I continue loving you?

May I?

After 46 days, God answered my prayer. You replied me. You answered me. You explained to me. Even in a simplest message. I was thankful. I was happy.

"...I still remember you but with my current situation, I can't have any commitment, I'm sorry. I wish you live a happy life too..." 

"...maybe I should wait more. Don't work too hard. focus more & don't skip your eating time okay. You know I still care for you..." 

"You don't have to wait. I'm afraid you'll be disappointed, soon." 

"It's okay, bibi. I can wait. As long as I can. And if in the end, we are not meant to be together, it'll be fine. At least I got you somehow. At least I have a very fond memories to cherish."

And I realized, I'm still in love with you.
May I have you back?

May I?

Stop.

I wait;
Wait and wait more.
Until I realize it's nothing to wait.
You'll never come back to me.

So, I stopped.
I stop waiting.
I wish I am.

And I hope I can move on;
with this shattered heart,
which you still have pieces of it.

Fine.

Hi, how are you? I can see that you're doing fine without me.
You live, well. I can see you everywhere.
It's not like I don't have the guts to text or call you; it's just I want to give you the chance to make the move. As if you really want me, again.

But I guess I'm waving goodbye.
You look fine, you look great.
I wish you have a happy and prosperous life ahead; just like you wanted it to be.

This is the hardest goodbye, ever.

Why

Why everybody need to leave when I need them at the most?
Why everyone is avoiding me when I favor them at my best?
Am I a bad person?
Am I not good enough for them?
Or I just meant to be alone?

I'm hurt.
And I'm alone, in despair.

Lost.

She lost him. For all the things she has with him, she lost it. She lost the light in her eyes; burning for his love. She lost the spirit in herself; fiercely loving him. She lost the living soul within her; lurking his attention. She lost the memories she had; everything she wanted to be; with him -- she wanted it to be lost too. And so it be.

She lost him.

And she lost herself.

She is nowhere to be found.

Us.

I didn't know if I should write this or not. I'm too crushed. Too weak to even smile. But yeah, I fake everything. Especially right now. I don't know what to think any more. I don't know if it's reasonable or not. I'm hurt.

Baby, what happened to us? We used to rock the world together. We used to smile just staring at each other. We used to drive everywhere we want to go. We used to eat together, watching movie together. We used to text those unimportant chat until we eventually fell asleep. We used to text just those emojis and it was enough to make me laugh the whole day. Where are we now?

I cried. A lot. Thinking about us. It was my fault. I keep thinking about you everyday and I still think it is my fault. I should understand you more. I must. But I was greed. I want you for myself. I want you to be present in my small bubble. I love you and you know that.

You know what baby, I am thinking too far. About us. I'm thinking about our future children. You know what my dream is, right? I want to name our children with Yasmin Sofea and the newest is, if it's a boy, I want to name him Tuah Aminuddin and I'll called him as Idin. It's beautiful baby. My dream is beautiful. And I want you to be in it. Be a part of it. I need you, b.

I can't write this without crying. I'm too sad. I'm exhausted. I can't be your perfect lady. I try so hard but I know I can't. I'm wrecked. I don't know if my suggestion is good for us. We never stop texting even for a day. Even it's just a simple good morning and good night. I myself don't know if I can do that. But I'll try my best. I want you to think about us. Is it still worth, is I'm still worth to be in your small world.

Dear, you're my Mars, my world, my everything. I love you too much. I was relieved when you said you can't leave me. Because I thought last evening was the last moment for us. But I still want you to evaluate my presence with you. I want you to think about me, about us and when you come back, you'll have no doubt upon our relationship.

To be with you is the most amazing thing happened to me. I thanked Allah so much for let you choose me, love me and care for me. If this is the end for us, I really want you to know that I have no regret at all. Along these days, over 150 beautiful days, not even a day I'm not in love with you. Not even a day I'm not waiting for you. And I still be waiting for you. As long as Allah let me have this precious feeling for you. I will, sayang. Even for a thousand years more. You're the most beautiful dazzling thing that I ever owned. Even for a while. I love you so much, Adlan. I really want to see you, even just one more time. And even if one day you find your happiness, I'll be smile in blessed over here because you finally got your perfect angel, fit for you. I'm happy because I used to be in that part of your happiness. I'm happy.

Sayang, please take care of yourself. Don't forget to eat. You always like to skip your lunch. I don't want you to get sick. And if you're really sick, please eat your medicine. I'll be watching you from here. I'll still wait for your text. There's no harm in hope, right? I know I can't get over you. But if you decided it, I will do it. Sooner or later. I'll be okay. I will. As long as I can see that beautiful smile on your face.

Bibi, for what it's worth, it's still never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

I love you, sayang. Always and forever.

Always yours,
Your Bitbit.

Lucky.

People told me that you are lucky to have me. I told them that they are wrong. I am, indeed lucky to have you. They just didn't know it. They didn't realize it. They don't get any clue of how lucky I am, to have you in my life.

How your smile lit up my world,

How your texts make me fly away; with your silly jokes and those emojis,

How I can't wait until the next time just to meet you in front of me,

How everything is surreal when you are with me,

How my heart skips a beat when you smile at me,

How your words keeps me breathing,

How every single thing turns okay when you say sorry,

And they just didn't know how I am willing to give up everything I have just to be with you,

They just didn't know,
Of how much I love you.

Thus, in a nutshell, how lucky I am to have you.

Letter to you.

Dear you,
I'm sorry for everything. Especially for yesterday tantrum. I really am sorry. I know I'm not a perfect girl for you. I always made mistake. I don't understand you well. I always think the negative side of almost everything.

You,
Sometimes I think I'm not suit to be with you. I don't have the criteria of what you wanted (eventho I don't know what are you looking for in a women). I'm sorry. I tried my best to be the perfect one for you. I try to understand your circumstances. I memorized your schedule, your resting hour and everything so I will look good to you and not bothering you in any ways. 

Baby,
I'm sorry for the attention I wanted. I just want you to be with me. This distance is already killing us. I don't want us to get strayed too far. I love you, and you know that. I know you do too but you got tired, want to be alone sometimes and etc. I may not understand you but you know I tried hard. Really hard to meet up with your expectations. 

I know I'm a little bit touchy and sensitive lately. You already knew about my conditions, my family and all. I'm sorry if I'm such a burden to you. I have you, only. I won't looking for you if I have someone else. I'm sorry, baby. Lately, I rarely seen us anymore. It's more on catching up because we don't wanna lose it. We both afraid of losing but I don't want the pillars of this relationship is based on that only. I want us to love, every day.

I'd seen the future in us. I hope, really hope it'll come true. You know how much I care for you. I'm sorry for everything from the beginning, until now. For not being perfect, for made up scenes, for my tantrums, for my severe sensitivity and for everything else.

Above all, I'll always love you, no matter what. I hope this is just another ups and downs and we'll still rocking the world.

Uhibbuka fillah, ya habibi. Always.

Always yours,
Your Bitbit.

Almost.

Almost perfect,
Almost a whole,
Almost mine,
Almost.

But I'd never almost love.
Because I'll always love you.
Always.